Montreal mother told daughter doesn't count as 2nd passenger in carpool lane | CBC News

The daughter was nine years old. Maybe Mom would've pleased that dopey cop had she let daughter drive and claimed she was teaching. Montreal mother told daughter doesn't count as 2nd passenger in carpool lane | CBC News: A mother from Montreal's West Island plans to contest a $169 traffic ticket she was given for driving in a lane reserved for buses, taxis and carpools with her daughter.

S.Korean Envoy Told Kim Jong-un to Quit Smoking | Chosunilbo AMP

Try telling him that after the US drops the bomb on him. S.Korean Envoy Told Kim Jong-un to Quit Smoking | Chosunilbo AMP: National Security Council chief Chung Eui-yong advised North Korean leader Kim Jong-un to quit…

N.J. state trooper stops a driver for tailgating. He ends up searching the man's underwear for pot. - Philly

Imagine the poor guy telling him, "No that's NOT a pipe, and that's NOT grass surrounding it!"
N.J. state trooper stops a driver for tailgating. He ends up searching the man's underwear for pot. - Philly: Alongside a busy Burlington County highway, a New Jersey state trooper searched for marijuana inside the underpants of a young man he pulled over for tailgating.
- Jan Hefler, Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News

Astronauts could 3D print tools from their own processed faeces | New Scientist

Beats toilet paper and you really can use both sides. Astronauts could 3D print tools from their own processed faeces | New Scientist: Astronauts on long missions won't be able to bring all their tools with them. A new way of turning faeces into 3D-printable plastic may solve that problem

China sperm bank demands loyalty to Communist Party - The Express Tribune

But in return they'll receive the unique nickname, "Cummies." China sperm bank demands loyalty to Communist Party - The Express Tribune

Maid Hajric Star Wars flask at Norwich MJB hotel night porter, court hears | Crime | Eastern Daily Press

"Awful small light saber you got there." Maid Hajric Star Wars flask at Norwich MJB hotel night porter, court hears | Crime | Eastern Daily Press: A drunk father-of-two threw a flask at an MJB hotel night porter before exposing his genitals to police, a court heard.

Lake Howell student arrested after beating child with Pop...

So what did he do, knock the stuffing into him? Lake Howell student arrested after beating child with Pop...: Seminole County deputies arrested a Lake Howell High School student after he beat a victim and purposely smashed a pop tart in their face and hair, according to the report.

Teacher ditches job to become full-time dominatrix with two live-in 'slaves' she walks on dog leads - Mirror Online

What happens when you take corporal punishment out of school. Teacher ditches job to become full-time dominatrix with two live-in 'slaves' she walks on dog leads - Mirror Online: WARNING - SEXUAL THEMES: Dahlia Rain shares her home with two slaves who cook, clean, tidy, buy groceries, and walk the dog in return for ‘rewards’ of the BDSM kind

Ohio woman made lewd comments to Easter Bunny, police say | NBC4i.com

No jokes about large carrots or going down holes, please. Ohio woman made lewd comments to Easter Bunny, police say | NBC4i.com: Police say an Ohio woman has been arrested for making lewd comments to an Easter Bunny.

Campbell Soup nabs snack maker Snyder's-Lance | National / International Business | journalnow.com

Corporate officials announced the new cracker division will fully immerse into the soup. Campbell Soup nabs snack maker Snyder's-Lance | National / International Business | journalnow.com: CHARLOTTE — The maker of Lance peanut butter sandwich crackers and Snyder's of Hanover pretzels is set to be taken over by one of the largest U.S. packaged food companies.

Chance the Rapper Blasts Heineken For 'Terribly Racist' 'Sometimes, Lighter is Better' Ad

As marketing goes, I've seen better heads on a glass of beer. Chance the Rapper Blasts Heineken For 'Terribly Racist' 'Sometimes, Lighter is Better' Ad: Chance isn't saying boycott the beer brand—just noticing out loud how often these types of subliminal advertisements air.

Snake swallows slipper: QLD vet’s lifesaving surgery | The Courier-Mail

So much for those organic python boots. Snake swallows slipper: QLD vet’s lifesaving surgery | The Courier-Mail: A SNAKE that swallowed a slipper has been saved by a Queensland vet.

Florida woman 'marries' 100-year-old tree, hoping to save it - NBC-2.com WBBH News for Fort Myers, Cape Coral & Naples, Florida

Why that tree? Was it when she first saw it, or did it get on one knee and axe? Florida woman 'marries' 100-year-old tree, hoping to save it - NBC-2.com WBBH News for Fort Myers, Cape Coral & Naples, Florida: Karen Cooper was ready to go out on a limb to save her beloved, so she got married - to a tree.

Billy Busch, Anheuser-Busch Heir, Charged With Assaulting 6th Grader at Basketball Practice | News Blog

Saddest thing is all this time he thought they were Buds. Billy Busch, Anheuser-Busch Heir, Charged With Assaulting 6th Grader at Basketball Practice | News Blog: Update: 4:30 p.m. Saturday — Statements from Billy Busch's attorney and the father of the boy he is accused of assaulting have been attached to...

Man tells woman he was poisoned; will die unless she has sex with him - NZ Herald

"See, look between my legs. I'm stiffening up already!" Man tells woman he was poisoned; will die unless she has sex with him - NZ Herald: Man said he had to sweat out toxin he had been forced to drink - and sex was the only way.

Caller asks Eloy police if the dinosaurs in the park are real | News | pinalcentral.com

"Yes, they are. They've been alive millions of years and are standing still to take a rest." Caller asks Eloy police if the dinosaurs in the park are real | News | pinalcentral.com: ELOY -- Police were called to investigate whether Eloy's Main Street Park was actually Jurassic Park last week.

Watch: Bear walks outside of hotel with food bag - UPI.com

What was he trying to do? Get toast for his honey? Watch: Bear walks outside of hotel with food bag - UPI.com: A guest at a Tennessee hotel shared video of the black bear she found carrying a take-out bag of food right outside of her room.

Lottery Changes 'Luck Yeah!' Campaign Over Profanity Concern - The New York Times

And raising the middle finger didn't mean you're the #1 winner. Lottery Changes 'Luck Yeah!' Campaign Over Profanity Concern - The New York Times: The New Hampshire Lottery Commission has replaced its

Lawmaker Wants ‘General Hooker’ Sign Removed State House « CBS Boston

They responded, "Of course we're for sale. But you need to be so obvious?" Lawmaker Wants ‘General Hooker’ Sign Removed State House « CBS Boston: A Massachusetts lawmaker wants the “General Hooker Entrance” sign removed from the State House because she calls it a double entendre.

Lawmaker Wants ‘General Hooker’ Sign Removed State House « CBS Boston

Apparently the legislators mistook it for their personal entrance. Lawmaker Wants ‘General Hooker’ Sign Removed State House « CBS Boston: A Massachusetts lawmaker wants the “General Hooker Entrance” sign removed from the State House because she calls it a double entendre.

YouTube gun ban drives bloggers to PornHub - BBC News

Where "Don't shoot" has an entirely different meaning. YouTube gun ban drives bloggers to PornHub - BBC News: The video-sharing site has banned videos that show people how to manufacture or modify guns.

WATCH: He told cops 'I'm a f--king judge' after failed sobriety test. And he beat DWI rap. | NJ.com

Maybe he confused it with a hung jury?WATCH: He told cops 'I'm a f--king judge' after failed sobriety test. And he beat DWI rap. | NJ.com: A municipal court judge faces an ethics inquiry after berating state troopers during drunken driving investigation.

Not high on inspiration: Ontario Cannabis Store logo derided as boring - Toronto - CBC News

Then again, have to admire their bluntness. Not high on inspiration: Ontario Cannabis Store logo derided as boring - Toronto - CBC News: The Ontario government announced the name and branding for its cannabis agency Friday, and those looking for the wacky, colourful branding that has been a staple of the underground marijuana industry might be disappointed.

Stormy Daniels' Lawyer's Coffee Chain Just Ran Out of Coffee | Time

You look at Stormy and shudder to think why they have not yet run out of milk. Stormy Daniels' Lawyer's Coffee Chain Just Ran Out of Coffee | Time: Michael Avenatti, lawyer for Stormy Daniels, has a stake in Tully's Coffee. And apparently they're currently out of coffee beans.

khou.com | East Texas police searching for 'Stinky Butt'

You'd think police are on the scent. khou.com | East Texas police searching for 'Stinky Butt'

Utah GOP governor: Naming a highway after Trump is 'a little premature' | TheHill

Especially since he's given us a bumpy ride the last two years. Utah GOP governor: Naming a highway after Trump is 'a little premature' | TheHill: Utah Gov. Gary Herbert (R) said Tuesday that a GOP-sponsored proposal to name a state highway after President Trump would be “premature.”

KFC replaces Col. Sanders with his wife for International Women's Day

And anyone complimenting her breasts and legs gets sent to the principal. KFC replaces Col. Sanders with his wife for International Women's Day: In celebration of International Women’s Day, KFC Malaysia has replaced the iconic Colonel as the face of the company with his wife, Claudia Sanders.

North Korea to launch new TV soap operas - BBC News

Titles include "Maul My Children," and "The Jung-Un the Lifeless." North Korea to launch new TV soap operas - BBC News: State-run television to revisit familiar themes of warfare and patriotism.

Chinese toddler ‘disables iPhone for 47 years’ | South China Morning Post

One silver lining: it's good for kids to learn to play with bricks. Chinese toddler ‘disables iPhone for 47 years’ | South China Morning Post: Boy playing with a phone repeatedly entered wrong passcode, ratcheting up the time the handset was disabled, according to a Chinese news website report

She had a colonoscopy without anesthesia - but it was on her bill anyway - Philly

This would really make you lose your s--t. She had a colonoscopy without anesthesia - but it was on her bill anyway - Philly: Judy Politzer had a colonoscopy without anesthesia - then got a bill that included anesthesia.
- Sarah Gantz, Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News

About 60,000 pounds of Busch Beer spills onto I-10 in Florida

Drivers have successfully avoided the area, nearly as well as they have the beer. About 60,000 pounds of Busch Beer spills onto I-10 in Florida: A South Carolina man made a mess on a Florida interstate Wednesday morning after the tractor-trailer he was driving overturned, spilling about 60,000 pounds of Busch Beer onto the highway.

UPDATE: Suspicious bags found at federal courthouse in Florence contained hot dogs | WHNT.com

Thankfully cops had Armour for events sausage this. UPDATE: Suspicious bags found at federal courthouse in Florence contained hot dogs | WHNT.com: FLORENCE, Ala. - The Florence Police Department has cleared two suspicious bags found Wednesday morning at the federal courthouse downtown.  It turns out they contained hot dogs.

The price of toilet paper triggers a panic in Taiwan - The tissue issue

They'll definitely lose their s--t over having Taipei more. The price of toilet paper triggers a panic in Taiwan - The tissue issue: IN ANXIOUS times, political leaders try to assuage fears. So it was this week when William Lai, Taiwan’s prime minister, appealed for calm after a run on that most essential of goods, toilet paper. Reports of looming price increases had started the panic.

Man has 7-INCH plastic sex toy removed through his penis after instrument got stuck in his bladder - Mirror Online

The doctor treating him was named Bang-Bing. If he'd done THAT he wouldn't have had this problem. Man has 7-INCH plastic sex toy removed through his penis after instrument got stuck in his bladder - Mirror Online: The unnamed patient, reportedly in his 30s, refused to see a doctor for more than two days after getting the toy lodged
while engaging in 'urethral play'         

The doctor treating him was named Bang-bing. If this guy had done THAT he wouldn't have this trouble. https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/man-7-inch-plastic-sex-12131965

Young men enticed to vote for Vladimir Putin in upcoming Russia election with bizarre video of lingerie-clad models - Mirror Online

Glad to see Russia bringing more transparency to its election process. Young men enticed to vote for Vladimir Putin in upcoming Russia election with bizarre video of lingerie-clad models - Mirror Online: It's not clear who the clip was commissioned by - but is believed to be part of a covert strategy to ensure voters go to the polls

Boy gets trapped in lift in China after peeing on control buttons, East Asia News & Top Stories - The Straits Times

Heard of getting p--sed off. But up?Boy gets trapped in lift in China after peeing on control buttons, East Asia News & Top Stories - The Straits Times: A young boy from Chongqing in south-west China became a victim of his own prank after he urinated on a set of lift buttons and became trapped.. Read more at straitstimes.com.

Longtime radio host John DeBella sued for sexual harassment : Community : WHYY

U2, John? Who do ya think you are, Rolling your Stones against some girl and grabbing her Hooters? You got some Kinks. Longtime radio host John DeBella sued for sexual harassment : Community : WHYY

Bizarre moment female air passenger is caught on camera using an overhead air vent to dry her knickers

Why'd they need it? Had she joined the mile dry club? Bizarre moment female air passenger is caught on camera using an overhead air vent to dry her knickers: The woman shocked fellow travellers on the flight with Ural Airlines from the Turkish resort city of Antalya to the Russian capital Moscow

‘It worked’: Indian farmer posts porn star’s photo to ‘ward off evil eye’ — RT World News

Makes guys' stalks grow, but what will it do for corn? ‘It worked’: Indian farmer posts porn star’s photo to ‘ward off evil eye’ — RT World News: An Indian farmer erected a large poster of actress Sunny Leone to keep his crops safe from the “evil eye” of fellow villagers. The unusual version of a scarecrow did the trick, he claims.

Pune Woman Becomes Grandmother With Dead Son's Preserved Semen - News18

Well, she always called the kid her little squirt. Pune Woman Becomes Grandmother With Dead Son's Preserved Semen - News18: Doctors at Pune's Sahyadri Hospital performed the in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) procedure and fused Prathamesh Patil's semen, extracted and preserved long before his death in Germany, with the eggs of a donor to form embryos.

David Romig: Florida suspect texted detective, not wife, about girlfriend's death - wptv.com

This bad text will earn him a lifetime cell plan. Limited coverage though - 6 x 6. David Romig: Florida suspect texted detective, not wife, about girlfriend's death - wptv.com: A Florida man who thought he was texting his wife but instead nervously messaged a detective "I think they are going to arrest me" was charged with murder in the death of his live-in...

Duterte suggests troops should shoot female rebels in vagina

This idiot doesn't realize women are strongest when men aim there. Duterte suggests troops should shoot female rebels in vagina: Duterte "has distinguished himself as a frothing-in-the-mouth fascist," said Cristina Palabay, head of the Philippine rights group Karapatan.

‘womb witch' advises women to drink their own blood | Daily Mail Online

This HAS to B negative for ladies. ‘womb witch' advises women to drink their own blood | Daily Mail Online: Australian-born, Bali-based healer Nadine Lee, 30, says drinking their menstrual blood can offer women a way to 'clear their vision' and 'awaken their spiritual centres'.

Valentine condom campaign urges lovers to think of animals

Specifically white snakes,  dogs in heat, multiplying like rabbits... Valentine condom campaign urges lovers to think of animals: The latest news and headlines from Yahoo! News. Get breaking news stories and in-depth coverage with videos and photos.

Starbucks sued after 2-year-old customer allegedly drank barista's blood | Fox News

And you thought it was nasty when the Christmas cups were red. Starbucks sued after 2-year-old customer allegedly drank barista's blood | Fox News: Starbucks, which made waves last Halloween with its drippy red Zombie Frappuccino, is facing a lawsuit from a California family that claims it served them a barista’s actual blood.

Hilarious moment wedding ceremony rudely interrupted by woman's sexual groans blaring over sound system - Mirror Online

You may now...um...kiss the bride. Hilarious moment wedding ceremony rudely interrupted by woman's sexual groans blaring over sound system - Mirror Online: The bride was walking down the aisle to Felix Mendelssohn's wedding march when it was abruptly cut short

Watch: Donkey uninjured by fall through roof of house - UPI.com

Wait, it's safe to land on your ass - not vice versa. Watch: Donkey uninjured by fall through roof of house - UPI.com: An unusual incident at a home in Brazil was caught on camera when a wandering donkey fell through the roof of the residence.

The world's biggest bra has gone up for sale on eBay | Metro News

This ought to sell in a snap, but we'll keep you a breast. The world's biggest bra has gone up for sale on eBay | Metro News: Is it your dream to own the biggest bra in the world? If so, and if you have a few hundred pounds lying around, you're in luck - because the...

State police apologizes for tying prison rape to drunken driving in Super Bowl Tweet | Lexington Herald Leader

Might have been better had they just mentioned a penalty for illegal use of hands. State police apologizes for tying prison rape to drunken driving in Super Bowl Tweet | Lexington Herald Leader: Kentucky State Police apologized Sunday night for a tweet made on the agency’s official account that alluded to rape in prison as reason to avoid drinking and diving. The tweet was deleted about two hours after it was posted.

Eagles fan literally eats horse poop after Super Bowl win | PhillyVoice

Likely making up for Cris Collinsworth being full of it. Or being a Nick Foals souvenir. Eagles fan literally eats horse poop after Super Bowl win | PhillyVoice: Hey man, I was pretty stoked after the Eagles vanquished the mighty New England Patriots on Sunday night to win the Super Bowl, and I did my fair share of celebrating along with everyone else on Broad Street.

China commends Theresa May for 'sidestepping' human rights | World news | The Guardian

With friends like these...China commends Theresa May for 'sidestepping' human rights | World news | The Guardian: State-run media calls British PM pragmatic for ignoring ‘noise and nagging’ from ‘radical public opinion’ while on visit

Winter Olympics: Athletes welcomed with condoms - CNN

Pole vault and javelin teams expressed particular interest. Winter Olympics: Athletes welcomed with condoms - CNN: Organizers of the South Korea games will supply athletes with 110,000 condoms. That's 10,000 more than the number handed out at the Sochi Winter Olympics.

Man caught masturbating in Burger King | Fox News

Yes, it did take two hands to hold his Whopper. Man caught masturbating in Burger King | Fox News: The 24-year-old was arrested for indecent exposure.

Pensioner, 80, 'pushed entire arm into cow's rectum and masturbated' | Metro News

Jerky beef? Or how to get a fresh serving of liver? Pensioner, 80, 'pushed entire arm into cow's rectum and masturbated' | Metro News: A pensioner has been banned from every farm in Britain after he allegedly pushed his fist into a cow's rectum and performed a sex act. John Curno, 80, was found...

Elephants spotted waiting for ride on Oklahoma roadside

But would the car fit his trunk? Elephants spotted waiting for ride on Oklahoma roadside: The latest news and headlines from Yahoo! News. Get breaking news stories and in-depth coverage with videos and photos.

'Gay Tests' for Refugees in Europe Should Be Banned, Says Court

These should be banned, and definitely the study guides. 'Gay Tests' for Refugees in Europe Should Be Banned, Says Court: Hungarian authorities refused an application from a Nigerian man after he failed a homosexuality test.

Adult film legend Ron Jeremy banned from porn awards | Page Six

But could he inch his way in? Adult film legend Ron Jeremy banned from porn awards | Page Six: AVN says he violated their code of conduct.

Las Vegas dad accused in attack with jar of cheese dip – Las Vegas Review-Journal

Nacho usual queso assault. And Pop won't be Frito leave for a while.Las Vegas dad accused in attack with jar of cheese dip – Las Vegas Review-Journal: A Las Vegas man was arrested Sunday after allegedly striking his daughter in the face with a jar of cheese dip.

News-News Releases-Cougar Sighting

She's rumored to have long claws (painted pink), a black hair mane with highlights, long legs with a short skirt and has been seen with several cubs 20 years younger. News-News Releases-Cougar Sighting: State conservation officials investigated unconfirmed reports of a cougar sighting at East Branch Forest Preserve in Glendale Heights.

Boston TV station uses Aaron Hernandez pic in post about Pats win - NY Daily News

Sorry, even New England can't pull off THIS kind of comeback. Boston TV station uses Aaron Hernandez pic in post about Pats win - NY Daily News: This Boston TV station’s pic turned out to be a bust.

Man allegedly punches himself in the face to avoid breathalyzer | WGME

Knocked out drunk? Man allegedly punches himself in the face to avoid breathalyzer | WGME: BELFAST, Maine (WGME) – Belfast police say they have arrested a man who allegedly punched himself in the face to avoid a breathalyzer test.Police say they found the car of 27-year-old Brian Fogg in a ditch early Saturday morning on Waterville Road.When the

Watch: 5 1/2 foot tape worm grew inside sushi lover for months - UPI.com

Wait. Worms should catch FISH, not vice versa. Watch: 5 1/2 foot tape worm grew inside sushi lover for months - UPI.com: A California doctor said a 5 1/2 foot tape worm a man found dangling from his rear during a bathroom trip had been growing inside him for months.

Chicago man says he noticed bad smell, but didn't know wife died - Story | WFLD

What did he think, she had to change her brand of cologne? Chicago man says he noticed bad smell, but didn't know wife died - Story | WFLD: Steven Seiler told police that, for about a month, he had noticed a bad smell coming from the bedroom of the Uptown apartment he shared with his wife, but he never bothered to look inside.

Decades of semen squirting land offender in state prison | lehighvalleylive.com

Where no doubt, he'll have mandatory opportunities to squirt and be squirted. Decades of semen squirting land offender in state prison | lehighvalleylive.com: Michael Kevin Morris has been a documented semen thrower for about 40 years.

Pakistani humanist denied UK asylum after failing to identify Plato | UK news | The Guardian

And they laughed when he told them it was the Disney dog that didn't talk. Pakistani humanist denied UK asylum after failing to identify Plato | UK news | The Guardian: Man who renounced Islam says he has received death threats from family members in Pakistan

Alien sightings are no excuse for filing your tax return late - Channel NewsAsia

After all, April 15 isn't "Independence Day." Alien sightings are no excuse for filing your tax return late - Channel NewsAsia

Woman takes her cat to the vet - then finds it selling on Facebook marketplace for £50

Nice to see veterenarians value their clients. Woman takes her cat to the vet - then finds it selling on Facebook marketplace for £50: A woman was shocked to find her cat being sold on Facebook marketplace for £50 after taking him to the vets.

Trump can’t be racist because he had a TV show: Sanders | New York Post

So did Archie Bunker, and his ran for 10 years! Trump can’t be racist because he had a TV show: Sanders | New York Post: The White House on Tuesday continued to push back against accusations that President Trump was a racist — with his spokeswoman citing his decade-long stint on...

Webster man charged in manhole cover thefts - News - telegram.com - Worcester, MA

Sewer they got the right man? Webster man charged in manhole cover thefts - News - telegram.com - Worcester, MA: WEBSTER – A 46-year-old man was arrested Friday and accused of stealing seven manhole covers from town roads earlier in the week.Darrin P. Lavallee, 34 Market St., Apt. 2,  faces charges of larceny in connection with the theft.The alleged thief was apparently thoughtful enough to put traffic cones in place of the heavy-duty covers in an attempt to minimize the danger to motorists Wednesday, police said.Because of the “brazen, daylight crime,” Lt. Tobby Wheeler said,

App creates ‘legally binding contracts’ for one night stands to prove sex is consensual | Metro News

With 30 days notice before you withdraw? That could hurt. App creates ‘legally binding contracts’ for one night stands to prove sex is consensual | Metro News: Ever thought casual sex would be a lot easier if there was a legally binding contract proving consent? Well, as it’s 2018, there’s now an app for that. Let’s say...

Climate Change Means 'Virtually No Male Turtles' Born In A Key Nesting Ground : The Two-Way : NPR

So much for coming out of their shell - or in it. Climate Change Means 'Virtually No Male Turtles' Born In A Key Nesting Ground : The Two-Way : NPR: Like many reptiles, the sex of a turtle is determined by how warm the egg is as it's being incubated. And small temperature differences can cause dramatic changes in the male-to-female ratio.

Woman's 'meaningful' t-shirt says something extremely rude down the side - Mirror Online

A growing fraternity, and hard to get in. Woman's 'meaningful' t-shirt says something extremely rude down the side - Mirror Online: The t-shirt is a less than subtle joke

WWE star rescued after being trapped in airplane bathroom | Fox News

Victim of that new wrestling move, the cargo hold. WWE star rescued after being trapped in airplane bathroom | Fox News: The wrestler said he was “getting so hot” waiting for the flight attendants to break him out of the tiny lavatory.

TPD: Man ripped urinal from wall at Miller's Ale House

When you gotta go....TPD: Man ripped urinal from wall at Miller's Ale House: A man ripped a urinal off the bathroom wall at Miller's Ale House then ran from the restaurant and into the woods completely naked, according to TPD.

Florida man caught with 'full rack of ribs' in his pants, police say | Fox News

No jokes about no meat on his bone, please. Florida man caught with 'full rack of ribs' in his pants, police say | Fox News: A Florida man with a feast stuffed in his pants was arrested trying to sneak out of a grocery store, police said.

With ingestible pill, you can track fart development in real time on your phone | Ars Technica

What will they stink of next? With ingestible pill, you can track fart development in real time on your phone | Ars Technica: First human trials reveal gut gas chambers and blustery effects of diet.

Look: Python surprises Australian woman by slithering into her bed - UPI.com

And no, not the one-eyed trouser variety. Look: Python surprises Australian woman by slithering into her bed - UPI.com: An Australian snake catcher shared a photo of the unexpected intruder a resident found in bed with them in the middle of the night -- a large python.

Haryana Female Boxers Return Cows Given As Awards By Govt, Say They Are Rude And Don't Give Milk

Hard asking for milk when you're used to getting punch. Besides, would polite cows say "Please mooove?"  Haryana Female Boxers Return Cows Given As Awards By Govt, Say They Are Rude And Don't Give Milk: Family of Neetu returned their cow as it did not give milk. Family of Jyoti returned theirs because the cow was not just reluctant in giving milk but was violent too.

Neo-Nazi Conspiracy Theory: 'Jews' Are Trying To Get America Stoned On Legal Marijuana

So THAT'S who's telling people to get heil? Neo-Nazi Conspiracy Theory: 'Jews' Are Trying To Get America Stoned On Legal Marijuana: Daily Stormer has urged readers not to do drugs, despite a documented history of usage from its proprietors.

Fans leave Wizards game concerned over strange odor - NY Daily News

And the Sixers weren't even playing. Fans leave Wizards game concerned over strange odor - NY Daily News: The Wizards loss wasn't the only thing that stunk Saturday night.

Woman searching for love goes to extreme measures get a date with 'sexy train conductor' - Mirror Online

But was she trying to make a connection, or just get off? Woman searching for love goes to extreme measures get a date with 'sexy train conductor' - Mirror Online: What do you do when you see someone special but they disappear before you get the chance to make your move?

You can now get your boyfriend’s head printed on this sex toy… and it’s just a little bit creepy

Ladies,  don't you put up with him enough now? You can now get your boyfriend’s head printed on this sex toy… and it’s just a little bit creepy: Swedish manufacturer Wobbling Willy has created a sex toy that customers can have customised with a 3D model of anyone’s face. On the website, the product is billed as being perfect for couples in long distance relationships and those who might be missing their other half

At Denton Golf Course, Feral Hogs Provide Unusual Hazard - NBC 5 Dallas-Fort Worth

In this case, might ask guys with guns, rather than clubs, to make a hole in one. At Denton Golf Course, Feral Hogs Provide Unusual Hazard - NBC 5 Dallas-Fort Worth

Irish villagers complain Viagra plant fumes have men and dogs walking around with 'hard-ons'

Which also makes it harder to tell them apart. Irish villagers complain Viagra plant fumes have men and dogs walking around with 'hard-ons'

Rick Perry says fossil fuels can help prevent sexual assault - CBS News

Not too bright. Rick Perry says fossil fuels can help prevent sexual assault - CBS News

A weekend visitor

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2004

A weekend visitor

Until this summer, I admit I thought little about hurricanes. Each year our local paper printed a hurricane survival guide and local television stations reminded us to be prepared. That meant having canned food, batteries, flashlights, candles, a full tank of gas and nearly everything else you would need for either a quick getaway to a shelter or a long stay in a home without power.

A hurricane hadn't hit my corner of Southwest Florida in nearly 45 years, meaning nearly three generations of longtime residents were spared the horrors of damaging winds and rain. Even 1992's Hurricane Andrew, the standard for American natural disasters, did not do Southwest Florida the harm it did to Homestead on the state's east side.

But when Hurricane Charley changed course and pummeled the quaint Old Florida towns of Punta Gorda, Port Charlotte and Arcadia more than a month ago, it forever changed how everyone here views hurricanes' damaging power. Not a day has passed weather hasn't come up in personal or phone conversations. Everyone is an amatuer meterologist now. Even my 7 year old son turned away from his Disney and Nickelodeon cartoons to watch "Storm Stories" and "Weather on the 8s." The natural power of a tornado beats anything Jimmy Neutron can dish out. The weather was once a benign topic to open conversation with before getting to the business of the day. Now such conversations close with, "You're in our thoughts and prayers."

I'm proud of my employers. They held an auction today for the victims of Hurricane Charley even as Hurricane Jeanne flies out of Major Nelson's bottle and potentially in our path. The array of prizes auctioned off and the prices paid for them were astonishing...$500 for a football helmet autographed by Florida football coach Ron Zook (an autograph many Gator fans wanted on a resignation two years ago.) . $1000 for plane trip and hotel in Arizona. Gift baskets, restuarant certificates, DVDs, even a painting by a co-worker...all in the name of people helping each other.

This followed by a week a unique concert during which members and ex-members of classic rock groups AC/DC, Foreigner, and Bad Company performed and raised $80,000 for hurricane relief. The numbers are staggering, so is the damage and the need. I'm glad I was able to contribute a little bit of time and money so far. It reminded me of one of my true beliefs..even here amid the ruins and rebuilding, there is never much but always more. 

Free Terri Schiavo!

SATURDAY, MARCH 12, 2005

Free Terri Schiavo!

I've been away awhile with these posts I know. Today was filled with great hope and fear, with some dismay. I spent the best part of it in front of Woodside Hospise in Pinellas Park, about 30 minutes from St Petersburg, FL.

Terri Schiavo is a 41-year old brain damaged woman staying at that hospise, and will receive food and water through a feeding tube until March 18. Then, by wish of her husband Michael and order of Judge George Greer, her feeding tube will be removed and she'll die a long, painful death from dehydration and starvation. (Read Terri's complete story and what you can do to help at www.terrisfight.org).

Woodside is located along a thin side street in an industrial district. It's flanked by small warehouses and garages, in a part of town dominated by businesses catering to short-term gains and exploitation of the weak: pawn, check cashing and bail bond shops, used car lots where "everybody drives home" at huge interest rates. Three police cars blocked the parking lot in front of the hospise door, but the policemen only needed to assure the faithful crossed the street safely.

A small tent in front held statues of Jesus and the Blessed Mother surrounded by candles, on a stage flanked by red roses. A young woman distributed cups and bottles of water, although temperatures were pleasant for mid-March. Protesters (around 200) came from Maryland, California and Colorado holding signs affirming the right to life and attacking Michael Schiavo and Judge Greer. They sang classic hymns like "Whatsoever You Do" and "Holy God We Praise Thy Name." Children led the Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary, sweetly reversing the order of the "Hail Mary" while a woman held a umbrella keeping the sun from a priest's eyes. A young woman led the crowd in prayer while holding a relic of John Cardinal Neumann.

The faithful asked questions in press conference style. What of Michael Schiavo, did he take a lie detector test? Can they sue him for negligence? What of Judge George Greer, can he recuse himself, or be impeached? Could Governor Bush push the legislature to pass a bill before March 16, or take Terri into his own care? Could President Bush help? Could the hospise be pressured? So many with questions, wanting to do something. The answers were to pray, email your local lawmaker, tell others to do the same, wash, rinse, repeat.

The speakers were forthright. Kate Adamson is a gorgeous woman and herself a stroke victim, left for dead but for a husband dedicated to her recovery. She said she would stay in Florida another week to address a rally in Tallahassee and the court and legislature if permitted. A priest attacked his church leadership for not rebuking, let alone excommunicating, Catholics involved in Terri's fate. (He also reminded the crowd the Holy Spirit led the Church and would bring seminarians to replace and restore that leadership.) He wanted Terri's case mentioned from the pulpit, saying few priests had done so (the Diocese of Venice printed a statement on Terri in last week's bulletins.)

If I'd had the chance to speak to the crowd I would have reminded them of Jesus' parable of the woman demanding justice of the corrupt judge, asking them to literally bug the hell out of Michael Schiavo and Judge Greer and the "culture of death" they promote. I'd have encouraged them to think of and pray for Terri in spare moments we rarely think: driving, walking, taking breaks at work, to think of and pray for one who could someday leave her bed and rejoin the active world if somehow allowed. I'd remind them to be kind and gracious and empathetic, for only in isolation and grief does our will to live warp into the "right to die." "Quality of life" is only for the person living it. And while I admire everyone who fights abortion's evils worldwide (including the anti abortion shirts sold at this event) this week belongs to the preservation of one life.

Two CDs traveled in the car wherever I went: the Beatles "1" and Catholic singer John Michael Talbot's "Signatures," which I purchased during one of his concerts. I remembered Terri loved music, and gave my autographed copy of "Signatures" to Monsignor Thaddeus Malinowski, the family's spiritual advisor. Hearing Talbot's "I Am the Bread of Life" painfully reminds you Terri, a devout Catholic and thus opposed to euthanasia, is by law forbidden to receive Communion. ("I am God's love revealed/I am broken, that you might be healed...")

My dismay? It was over a friend's personal slight; in the long run it really didn't matter. This day, this week belongs to Terri Schiavo, her loving family and faithful people who believe quality of life comes from a loving God and family. I only went to Pinellas Park to stand with those who stood for life. Pray this week for a miracle.

Lazarus, Come Out!

Lazarus, Come Out!

I've been fortunate my last three years in Florida to visit my dad and sister once or twice a year. I take the children when I can, and when I do they're treated with the celebrity of visiting royalty. My sister stocks their already crowded pantry with snacks and soda, buys out the dollar toy store for them and smothers them with kisses. My dad greets them with warm hugs and shouts of "Pop Pop." Best of all, they've played with the small litters of kittens who, in my dad, found a benefactor good for a warm place to sleep and saucer of milk.

I'd sleep on the couch, awakening to make coffee before Uncle Joe drove up the back alley of my dad's house. He'd sit beside my dad and talk baseball, relatives, or the local morning's news from the Norristown Times Herald. It was a great way to start the morning and a reminder I was always welcome when I returned home. At Our Lady of Mt Carmel Feast, the "grande festa" blocked party which defined most of the summers of my life, you could always see my Uncle Joe and Aunt Connie cutting the delicious slices of tomato pie that only taste that good in a church parking lot under a tent and bench.

Uncle Joe, Aunt Connie, and my cousins have always been first to see my kids and I when we visited, which felt more full of love for their being in our house. He's my dad's final immediate family member; their older brother and sister (my Uncle Sam and Aunt Carmella) passed on nearly 15 and 18 years ago, respectively. (My grandfather died late in 1991.)

I last wrote about Terri Schiavo, and today some of the pain the Schindler family feels has visited mine. Uncle Joe is been in coma in a Norristown hospital for a week following a massive stroke, just today breathing alone. I found out after contacting my sister on another matter; I asked Dad why it took so long to tell me. "Everyone was too excited," he said.

I'm thankful Uncle Joe is surrounded by loving family who want the best for him, and have always held to a faith which respects life. Tonight I pray for Terri Schiavo and my uncle, two people a generation apart loved by many, and awaiting their own miracle and the return of their lives. "Lazarus, come out!"

It's Come Down To This...

FRIDAY, MARCH 18, 2005

It's Come Down To This...

Tonight Terri Schiavo lies in a hospital bed feeling the first serious hunger pangs after about six hours without nourishment. The true rot of what this has come to after 15 years is finally showing.

I wonder where the victory is here. Terri's husband, Michael Schiavo, has become the living face of the "culture of death" to a generation of Catholics in touch through EWTN, Relevant Radio and a technology-based culture pushing the faithful closer. Whatever his motives, you have to wonder about the zeal any one person would have to end the life of another. You have to think about the "mercy" portion of mercy killing when a responsive person slowly, painfully loses even what activity she has had over her years of suffering.

And what of Terri's parents? The Schindlers are by all accounts hard working people who deserve the fruits of retirement: a stable home, savings, travel, grandchildren. Instead they wished to take care of their invalid daughter for what (if their wish came true) would be the rest of their lives. Which is more an expression of love and sacrifice? What else but a parent's love for a child would bring them here?

If Terri dies the long, painful death predicted for her, it would be the largest public victory yet for Peter Singer, Jack Kevorkian, Hunter Thompson, the Hemlock Society and a entire subset of our culture seeking death as glorification (unlike the faithful, who treasure life on earth even as they await their "blessed hope." ) Forget about what cruelties Terri may speak of if she would ever speak again, or how far along Michael Schiavo has gone with his own life since Terri all but left it. Terri Schiavo has lived this long because of her parents' hope, which spread from a small group of dedicated Christians to the Vatican, Hollywood and the desks of President and Governor Bush. Terri Schiavo has begun her forced march to death because a man she placed her hope in 15 years ago gave that hope up. That was his right, but I only wish he would let her parents keep theirs.

John Michael Talbot emailed me today. I wanted him to know I gave my copy of his CD "Signatures," (which I received at a concert he gave a year ago) to Terri's family via their spiritual advisor, Father Thaddeus. I mention this only because of Terri's love for music, its use as proof she can respond to her environment, and the comfort the songs on that CD gave me (and will again). JMT was touched that his music could reach that suffering woman, and assured me his community would join in prayer for her. I said only I believed a miracle would happen, and expect one. I say now it could use a great soundtrack.

The battle rages on...talk to you later.

My Uncle Joe's Obituary and A Few More Reflections

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 2005

My Uncle Joe's Obituary and A Few More Reflections

My Uncle Joe was buried today in the same King of Prussia Catholic cemetary where my mom has been buried since 1991. He rests alongside my grandmother and many of the aunts, uncles, and friends who brought so much happiness and meaning to my life in Pennsylvania. 

I wish I could have been there...kids, job, planes. I wish I could also have been at my uncle's 80th birthday the month before, when he was joined by generations of loving relatives and friends whose lives were better and lighter for his being with them. I hope the family who loved him so remembered that celebration even today and the closure it had to help bring. But I will see them soon enough when I come back to Bridgeport and my dad in May, paying them the attention they deserve. I've enclosed his obituary as printed in the Norristown, PA "Times Herald":

Joseph Pizza Sr. Joseph A. ``Joe'' Pizza, Sr., age 80, of Bridgeport, died peacefully in Temple University Hospital, Philadelphia on Wednesday, March 23, 2005 surrounded by his loving family.

Born in Bridgeport on Feb. 18, 1925, he was a son of the late John and Elmerinda (Pullo) Pizza. He is survived by his wife of 57 years, Concetta ``Connie'' (Marinari) Pizza; a son, Joseph A. Pizza, Jr. and his wife Jennifer of Dushore; two daughters: Theresa Wagner and her husband Robert J. of Bridgeport and Sandra Griffith and her husband Jerome of Bridgeport; seven grandchildren: Daniel and Michael Pizza, Mary Jo and Amanda Wagner, Marita, Jerry and Michael Griffith; a brother, Albert J. Pizza of Bridgeport and many nephews, nieces and cousins. 

He was preceded in death by a sister, Carmella Rocchino and a brother, Samuel Pizza. Joe was a member of Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church, Bridgeport where he was an annual Feast Volunteer Worker. He and his family took joy in serving the parish at the tomato pie and meatball sandwich stand each year. He was also involved in community associations such as the Italian American War Veteran Club of Clifton Heights Post 16 for 41 years. After graduating from Bridgeport High School, class of 1943, Joe honored his country and his family by becoming a U.S. Army Veteran of WWII, serving in the 78th Infantry Division of Germany. He was the recipient of multiple medals, most notably the Purple Heart Medal. He actively supported the VFW Post 840. 

A lifelong resident of Bridgeport, Joe owned and operated ``Joe's Auto Body Shop'' for approximately 30 years. In addition to his ``Purple Heart," Joe also had a heart of gold; bestowing friendship, generosity, and humor upon everyone that crossed his path or came in contact with him. As some of his hobbies, he enjoyed gardening and taking care of pets and stray animals. 

Relatives and friends are invited to his funeral from The Bacchi-Courtney Funeral Home and Crematory, Ltd., 805 DeKalb Street (Route 202), Bridgeport, PA on Tuesday, March 29, 2005 at 9:20 a.m. followed by his Funeral Mass at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church, 502 Ford St., Bridgeport, PA at 10 a.m. His viewing will be Monday evening 6 to 9 p.m. and Tuesday morning 8:30 to 9:20 a.m., both at the funeral home. Interment will be in St. Augustine Cemetery, Upper Merion Township. Arrangements are by The Bacchi-Courtney Funeral Home and Crematory Ltd.

I've written much here as well of Terri Schiavo and her long, slow fade from life. You see the list of well wishers sold to a conservative direct marketing firm. Rev. Jesse Jackson, who many have seen as being an opportunist, visits the family and speaks some rare truth calling Terri's death "immoral" and "unnecessary." Finally, they speak even before she's breathed her last of an autopsy they claim will definitively reveal her condition and justify Michael's decision to end her life - and define his. 

And then there's the New York Times/Newsweek's renowned Anna Quindlen, who wraps her alignment with the culture of death in honeyed, reasonable prose. There is no culture of life, she says, only the culture of your life, and of mine. I prefer Peggy Noonan's columns all week in the Wall Street Journal and would place her leading question to Ms. Quindlen: Did God create life, or didn' t He? Are you a child of God, or aren't you?

The Terri Schiavo circus, with its activist clowns and celebrity ringmasters, soon will pack and leave for another televised showdown between red and blue states, between government branches, between cultures of life and death. (One man, who obviously has missed the whole point, even threatened members of Schiavo's extended family in Philadelphia.) I only hope enough good people prepare themselves and their loved ones for the ineviatable end no matter how soon it may arrive. 

Life should end as a gentle walk between sleep and eternity, so we still see the shadows of what a wonderful person did for everyone who knew him. It should not end with a young woman suffering a heart attack, or a gonzo author pulling his own trigger or even an infamous court lawyer losing his razor-sharp analytic mind to a brain tumor. Life should end, eternity begin as peacefully for everyone as it did for my Uncle Joe.

Loose Endings 3-31-05

THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2005

Loose Endings 3-31-05

It's nearly midnight at the end of an exhausting day. I spent most of it scrambling for one more contact, one more contract to squeeze in before the buzzer ended the first quarter. Our gracious employers fed us pizza and hot dogs and donuts to keep our spirits up and energy high, yet still you could only see frustration even as the books slowly closed on this strategic first quarter for my company.

It was a consistent theme throughout this month; our manager called it "March Madness" and punctuated every sale with a Dick Vitale-style basketball metaphor: "SWISH!" "ALLEY-OOP,""Buzzer-Beater!" Of course, having four contracts and getting one (maybe two) of them in closes you with enough brick shots, air balls and technical fouls to staff the 1972-73 Sixers reunion.

Things quickly jolt into perspective. By now, you know of Terri Schiavo's passing and despite it being expected for a long time, it still felt like a seismic shock. All deaths do. You feel for the parents who lost a child and battled federal, state and local governments and brought the Vatican and even Hollywood to their fight. (Side note: TV star Patricia Heaton, a member of "Feminists for Life" who spoke out for Terri Schiavo and against the foolish, foul-mouthed "Osbournes," is one cool chick.) 

Post-mortem, who would Michael Schiavo's allies be? His lawyer, whose loopy sensibility combined New Age mysticism with huge cujones to seal Terri's fate. He somehow equated Michael's need to have his estranged wife die with James Meredith fighting George Wallace to enter Alabama University, then described a death from hunger and thirst in the false pastels of soft music and stuffed animals. This after Teri was refused Holy Communion today after receiving yesterday. 

And the policemen arresting protesters at Woodside Hospise? They must now share lineage with the Roman soldiers at Golgatha 2000 years ago, violenting bending, breaking and shocking those who dared fight an unjust decision under the pretense "we are a country of laws and not of men." This does not justify this barbaric, unjust act; Raymond Arroyo correctly called it "demonic" tonight on EWTN. I only hope one among them walked out saying, "Truly this was an innocent..."

Michael Schiavo should know today the culture of death is done with him. He has been paid his 30 pieces of silver and fame for his betrayal, splitting with George Felos and his embarassingly false conversations with Larry King, Diane Sawyer TV's false gods. He was and is a puppet to Peter Singer, Ronald Crawford, and an objectivist philosophy, and will now know the contempt and ostracism handed but a few citizens society hasn't quite been able to forgive or forget (O.J. Simpson only among the most recent.) No one who physically or spiritually set foot near Pinellas Park can leave it unchanged. 

The spotlight has already turned to the Vatican and our ailing Pope John Paul II, who today received last rights after a high fever and urinary tract infection. Every day he shows his public face to cheering young people he loves and built his papacy around, he defies Anna Quindlen and contemporaries claiming no culture of life. For the Holy Father and those willingly shepherded by him, the false term is "quality of life." His is the quality of life God gave him, and he will keep it until joining Terri Schiavo and a body of believers where all things are renewed.

The battle rages on...talk to you soon.

Remembering Pope John Paul II

TUESDAY, APRIL 05, 2005

Remembering Pope John Paul II

I remember where I was the late August day in 1978 when I heard Pope Paul VI had died. I’d returned home from the King of Prussia Plaza on the bus, which by then was the habit of a weekly mall shopping trips. I’d buy lunch, maybe a 45 or two and still have money for the ride back to Bridgeport.

I bought an 8-track tape that day (they were on the wane but still strong) and was about to plug in when I heard Andy Musser on the old WCAU-AM describing a Phils-Pirates baseball game. He spoke of the shock when earlier announcing the Holy Father’s passing and a lump came to my throat. It was the first time in my semi-adult lifetime (I was 1 ½ when JFK was assassinated) a leader had died.

Pope John Paul I’s election followed and the Church was excited again, even at the name he chose from his successors.. But when he died just over a month later, after one of the shortest papacies in history which started one of its longest conspiracy theories, my 16 year old ‘s sense of delinquency and cynicism crept in and I told friends, "The pope croaked."

After these dual aftershocks, Pope John Paul II’s election that October came as a refreshing surprise. Father Murray, our high school principal, interrupted Mr. Wagner’s junior year algebra class with the news, "We have a new Pope. He’s Polish…" To which Mr. Wagner, my algebra teacher and still one of my favorite, funniest teachers, cracked, "We should have got a German to clean things up in the Vatican…Pope Otto the First."

Little did he or any of us know how lucky we’d be the next 27 years to be blessed with this Holy Father’s exemplary life and legacy. After hearing tales of his trip to Poland again this week, it’s easy to speak of his steadfast, victorious fight against Communism in eastern Europe and the former USSR. After describing his many trips to America and the "rock star" welcome he always received, we’ve heard the Holy Father's equal dismay and discomfort over what author and missionary Glen Galtere would later call America’s SHIM (Secular, Humanistic, Individualistic and Materialistic) worldview.

I found the "rock star" analogy on John Paul II this week particularly amusing. Hit songs the week of Pope John Paul’s election included Donna Summer’s "MacArthur Park," Exile’s "Kiss You All Over," and Barry Manilow’s "Ready To Take a Chance Again." (The pontiff lived eternal truth and outlived a lot of kitsch culture. )

Pope John Paul II sat on St. Peter’s throne before the rise of the Internet, fax machines, cell phones, personal computers and the ever faster rise of communication. In connecting with youth, myself included, he led the cause for a new evangelization bringing modern technology to present and define the Church’s timeless, values. This led even to networks like Relevant Radio where classic radio formats were adapted to winning souls for Christ.

Catholic Christianity is a faith whose church’s stones are built from paradox; G.K. Chesterton’s masterpiece "Orthodoxy" overflows with them and Chesterton's own admission doesn't scratch the surface. But steadfastly defending life in all places and times for all reasons, emphatically opposing abortion, euthanasia, the death penalty and war, the Holy Father’s "culture of life" became the centerpiece of the Church’s teaching in the modern era. Despite what pretentious lightweights like Anna Quindlen may believe, Pope John Paul’s legacy right up to the insertion of his feeding tube (no small irony after Terri Schiavo’s death) and his closing days testified to a message he’d gave and lived across the globe. Ms. Quindlen, there IS a culture of life – Our life, not just your life and my life lived isolated and selfish. Pope John Paul II spoke to the dignity of all people, then to each individual's self-worth.

Sad to say, we also have a culture of death which rejoiced in victory and believed themselves steadfast over Mr. and Mrs. Schindler and their valiant fight to save their daughter, No doubt George Felos and his advocates are relieved their staunchest opponent no longer stares them down a continent away (though his words galvanize a pro-life movement and, rightly or wrong;y, make Terri Schiavo a martyr for change) Pope John Paul II, like Terri Schiavo, like the Savior he loved and served and shepherded a faith for most of his life, commanded the world's written words and attention when weakest and most silent.

Finally, a personal remembrance. I was lucky enough to be playing 1st chair trumpet in Bishop Kenrick’s High School band the crisp October day Pope John Paul II arrived at Philadelphia Airport, to say Mass and visit the city on his first US tour). I remember being searched at the game, German shepherds sniffing our bags, all the while our Napoleonic band director snarling "Everyone plays today..."

It was a thrilling moment as we started to play, despite Mr. Genovese literally playing the relentless drill instructor more than a month before we walked on that tarmac bandstand. (His bullying attitude during that preparation, summarized in his warning, "You guys don’t want to play? I’m gonna MAKE you play. And if this doesn’t get better every time we play it, all I have to say is watch out!" stayed with me for years afterward. )

The Holy Father waved to us all, gave rosaries to our drum majorette (a wonderful person named Kathy Campana I would love to know what happened to) and Cardinal Dougherty's major, and was in off in his car. Sister St. Elizabeth, who led our band that day, stood in the center of us before Mass at Logan Circle and said, "Today you are the envy of Philadelphia." Sister herself could be tyrannical at times, but that day as sunset washed that city she was right.

I think even then PJII’s appearance may have rubbed off on Jim Brennan, a curly haired trombone player and the Kenrick band’s resident party animal and ladies man in fall 1979. He later became a Catholic priest. The world mourns John Paul II even as he rejoices in heaven today.

SUNDAY, MAY 08, 2005

Sometimes it's easy forgetting to chart your life when you are heads-down living it, and that's where I've been the last month or so.

It's been a heady ride. I'm nearly two months now into a wonderful new relationship I could never have seen coming, especially after chasing butterflies for what seemed forever (and looking quite the fool doing it). I was able to take a once in a lifetime trip to Cape Town, South Africa and see one of the world's most stunningly beautiful cities in a country still defining itself amidst natural beauty. Finally, I've taken serious steps toward purchasing a new home, a thought impossible three years ago this month when it seemed everything and everyone I held close to me abandoned me.

How do you describe a month like this in a few paragraphs? I can tell you of Cape Town: it is a cosmpolitan city which, like many in the US, built its renaissance upon a waterfront and shopping district. It has parlayed its natural resources and outlawed history outside the family of nations into what I saw during my trip: a country and a people trying to define yet promote itself.

That's why prisoners today host tours on Robben Island, where Nelson Mandela spent nearly 20 years in prison and somehow wrote his manifesto and led an prisoner education effort under the noses and guns of South Africa's apartheid government. It's also why any resident of Cape Town will at the drop of a hat tell you what sites to see and restaurants to visit (as a few did during a grueling 23 hour plane ride to and from.) It's also why the port where prisoners were led to Robben Island is today a gift shop, featuring tee shirts and even Mandela's lithograph prints.

I got close-up looks at wild animals like baboons and penguins along the beaches at Cape Point and the Cape of Good Hope (not, as our helpful tour guide pointed out, exactly where the Indian and Pacific Oceans meet.) I got to taste some of the world's finest wines at three wineries along a bus tour, sleeping between to hold myself up from jet lag. I got time to spend with friends (my new love met me too late to join me for the trip and, to be fair, it would have been but our third date.) and felt a sense of comeraderie I only wish to keep.

Where have I been since May 5?

ONDAY, JANUARY 02, 2006

Where have I been since May 5?

Somewhere in my dad's house in Bridgeport, PA, lie several boxes of old poetry stapled together with construction paper. Together they form as close to a daily diary as a high-school age kid had the muster to put together. They talked of friends I'd known and argued with and loved in school, of my own personal shyness as I tried to form relationships with the opposite sex, even my first real attempts to have a personal, adult conversation with God. I tried to keep diaries ever since but life kept moving faster than my ability or clockspeed to write it. 

Which brings me to a New Year and my first real writing here since May (and even that was a draft blog I finally committed to the site.) I spent the last nine months loving and being loved by a beautiful person named Michelle. I first knew her as a co-volunteer in children's liturgy (her expertise was in "crowd control.") and came to know her as a lover starting on Palm Sunday 2005. Love came to me while I shook my head confused over the end of one relationship, and in frustration over another which failed to start. She is a beautiful, radiant, energetic person who brings joy to my life each day and made the sadder things I write about here not just bearable, but the logical extension of the road I had to take.

Other parts of my year didn't go quite right. I had two good years at my work and tried to leverage that success to purchase a home, just at the time every would-be Yuppie boomer discovered they wanted to live in Southwest Florida and made affordable housing, in one columnist's words, "go the way of the nickel beer.") Looking back, it may have been the best thing and I still believe home ownership can be in my future.

I went from being an honored, awarded representative of my company, with a solid reputation, into one who will learn tomorrow whether he'll still be working there. Some of this was my doing;I drowned in a list of accounts which more than doubled while spending six weeks maintaining an existing base while my outside rep had a child. This summer was the first and only time I hated coming to work each day, something I thought impossible. I chose the path I did (reassignment) so I could stay and not let someone who told me "Sales is not in your DNA" vindicate that incorrect view. But when I hear another former sales partner tell my replacement, "Tony had a good heart," it is hard not to look at it as code for, "He tried, but...."

The highlight of the year for me was not the trip to South Africa described in a previous post, even though it was a rich, wonderful trip for me. It was my return to PA with Michelle for Thanksgiving with my father and sister, and my 25th High School reunion. Seeing old friends again, introducing someone I love deeply to much of my past life and having her embrace it, was a great beginning to the most fulfilling Christmas season I have ever had.

I'm a little paunchier than I was a year ago, (although I'm changing health clubs to elininate that extra holiday poundage.) I'm a little grayer, a little wiser for butterflies I chased and didn't catch, fuller for comeraderie I enjoyed from pro-life prayer groups in Sarasota to the Knights of Columbus to Relay for Life. I'm trying to do what CS Lewis suggested; wear the mask and clothes of a good person until my face and myself conform to them and I become it. I'm a work in progress, with much even now to thank God for, and look forward to Michelle and I layering our love into a new year.

Way Down The Mississippi, Down to New Orleans

SUNDAY, MAY 21, 2006

Way Down The Mississippi, Down to New Orleans

Having some rare hours free on a Sunday afternoon, I caught a quick gym workout when I heard Ray Nagin had been re-elected mayor of New Orleans. The same Ray Nagin dressed as a would-be Willie Wonka on tee shirts throughout NOLA's French quarter, starring in "Nagin and the Chocolate City."
Absolutely amazing.

All this after my beloved and I returned two weeks ago from the second weekend of NO's Jazz and Heritage Festival, which this year was as much an act of defiance as celebration for the city's music and culture. The big names showed up: Keith Urban gave a rollicking set for what seemed to be a sea of teenagers and young adults, walking through the festival crowd as he sang "You'll Think of Me" and "Days Gone By." He closed the song by quoting with lines from Bruce Springsteen's "The Rising," continuing a theme the Boss himself established with his stunning Jazz Fest appearance the week before.

Jimmy Buffett, one of the most reliable concert attractions ever, graced the stage Saturday afternoon amidst reports of storms heading to New Orleans. The storms broke in two and went around the city, just as Jimmy said he was promised by two nuns he'd seen that morning in the Quarter. He then sang "City of New Orleans," partly to salute the city and for closure after performing the song during his legendary performance at Chicago's Wriglet Field. He worked from there through his classics, mixing New Orleans references in like Chef Paul's spice in songs like "I Will Work for Gumbo," "Come Monday," "Brown Eyed Girl," and a jamming version of Jerry Garcia's "Deal." And yes, the crowd yelled for salt during "Margaritaville," and finned to the left and to the right.

Paul Simon was the key national attraction for Sunday, with warm versions of early Simon & Garfunkel and solo hits ("Slip Slidin' Away," "Me and Julio," a rollicking "Cecilia." He also invited local heroes Irma Thomas, Allen Touissant, and Buckwheat Zydeco to play with him on "Bridge Over Troubled Water," and "Graceland." His fine set had even more impact when it was announced festival closer Fats Domino would not be able to play due to ill health.

The city's vibrant local music scene was also well represented. The Dirty Dozen Brass Band mixed classic New Orleans drumline with R&B and hip hop as they worked through "Feets Don't Fail Me Now," AWB's "Pick Up The Pieces," and the stalwart "When The Saints Go Marching In." Marcia Ball revved it up in the blues tent, delivering a powerhouse version of Randy Newman's "Louisiana 1927" surrounded by Jerry Lee Lewis-style boogie woogie piano. Only Little Feat's set fell flat, with the exception of Buffett helping out on "Dixie Chicken."

It seemed the town, still trying to rebuild, put its best face on for its visitors. People smiled when we biked by washed out neighborhoods asking how we were enjoying the Fest. The food was as delicious as ever, not only at tourist stalwarts like Emeril's and the Court of Two Sisters but along stands at the festival itself. All this even as the piles of trash and abandoned cars remind you again of the punishment New Orleans suffered (shocking even to someone like yours truly who endured Hurricane Charlie in 2004 and Wilma in 2005, with another hurricane season set to arrive in two weeks.

We made many friends, and shared music reviews with them as we met for morning coffee or an evening glass of wine. We heard a lot of great music, not only on the Jazz Fest stages but a superb gospel show Saturday night featuring the legendary Five Blind Boys of Alabama. We enjoyed delicious food (and even saw the celebrity chef, Emeril, bam it through.) And we biked everywhere we needed to go in between to burn it all off. In the end, Michelle and I now know what it means to miss New Orleans and are thinking about where to go next and how soon we can come back. She said it best: "They move when the music plays. They're my kind of people."

The Week After

The Week After

It's been a week now since my father's funeral; I've been back at work since Tuesday morning and slowly beginning to adjust to life without benefit of my dad's voice, let alone his guidance. Each day, each incident of my life brought me a story my dad told, or something which happened to him, or even a funny line he'd say which sounded silly out of anyone else. All the while, I've felt his influence on my life and how much I owed him.

He was always one to chide me for worrying. So it was when I had a lot to worry about this week; two of my accounts at my company (where renewals were king) told me the day before I left they'd sign new agreements. When I returned, they'd changed their minds; one due to budget and the other because ("We don't think we'll need you next year." Perhaps I should have stirred up that company's waters with old fasioned anxiety questions, although my style has always been to serve, await, then create my sales opportunities.)

Friday was an important day. My daughter Alex had a girlfriend stay over for the night. My girlfriend Michelle, an energetic angel throughout my family and work heartbreaks, came over and we shared pizza, and talk of my dad and toilet humor and all kinds of dinner conversation before settling down to a Disney DVD. It was the resumption of a ritual we've enjoyed nearly from the time Michelle came into my life nearly 1 1/2 years ago, one which has brought my children closer to her and started a long awaited process of making us permanent.

Saturday was a day for comforting and being comforted. I'd spoken to my sister and to Franny Chebovitch, the women who together and individually took care of my dad's daily needs and personal companionship. They need prayer even now as they are still trying to adjust to the space my dad filled in their lives. "He was my father, my child and my companion," my sister said. "Imagine if, God forbid, you lost Dad, Michelle and the children at once and you'd know what that felt like." I knew what she meant and shuddered. Franny still spoke actively of the final day of my dad's life and the care she is giving a neighbor suffering from cancer. She speaks sadly of the day God will take her, and I only told her God has a purpose for her staying longer. Perhaps her cooking chicken for that sick neighbor was that very reason.

Father Stan Dombrowksi, a wonderful man who is pastor of my church (St. Cecilia's in Fort Myers) lost his mom earlier this year. I was fortunate enough to share in that Mass, a celebration of the woman his family called "The Queen Mum" featuring a recipe of her classic pound cake. I came home on a rainy Saturday afternoon and found this kind note from him, which I'll close with here:

"Dear Tony,

How saddened I was to hear of the death of your father. I know how difficult it can be to lose someone you love, and so I ask God to give you the strength, grace, and courage to cope with the loss of your Dad. I also offer some thoughts from St. Francis de Sales concerning death as a source of consolation:

"We have a way of referring to death as a passing, and to the dead as departed. It simply means that for human beings death is a passing from one life to another; to die is but to depart from the limitations of mortality to achieve immortality."

"What becomes of starlight when the sun appears on the horizon? It is not destroyed, to be sure, it is caught and absorbed into the sun's greater light."

I believe with St. Francis that your Dad has passed from this life to the fullness of life in Christ Jesus and that his light and countenance has not been diminished but rather absorbed into the greater light of Christ Jesus himself. He not only lives but is an eternal light unto us all.

Please be assured of my love and prayers at this time.

God bless and comfort you,

Fr. Stan"

Paula Deen and How to Confess (and to Who)

"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.” John 4:34

Dear Brother Knights,

Here’s some advice. Don’t do what disgraced celebrity chef Paula Deen is doing. Don’t let yourself feel what she is feeling. Absolutely, positively don’t say what she has been saying.

By this I mean more than the horrid, ugly “N-word” she claimed to say once during a bank robbery 30 years ago, that more than enough to chase away every company she’d worked with (Target, Caesar’s, Smithield Ha-yams) like rats off her empire’s sinking gravy boat. I’m referring to only her latest among increasingly skin-crawling attempts to apologize, this time to unsympathetic Matt Lauer where she claimed to be a victim of lies and said, in essence, no one could change her. She added, paraphrasing Scripture in a rare bit of sense, “"If there's anyone out there that has never said something that they wish they could take back, please pick up a rock and throw it so hard at my head that it kills me."

SO many lessons to learn, especially from Scripture. All this started with an harassment lawsuit. "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.” (Matthew 5:25) Or in this case, lose in 10 days what a lifetime of goodwill and good Southern cooking attained.

But the real lesson is about blind acceptance of who we think we are as we age, seeming wise yet too isolated and immature to learn and reset our lives. Her words “I Is What I Is” echoed Popeye’s “I Yam What I Yam.” He too got strength and fame from food, changing  little in 80 years since he dominated comics while Jim Crow ruled the front page. Deen blamed unknown forces for speeding her downfall when she needed only to look at what success insulated her from: changing moral and social attitudes which made that word a punched ticket to bigotry and ostracism. Settle a lawsuit, say you learned from your mistakes, and move on. But could she do it?

Could WE do it? We have timeless tools of our faith: Ten Commandments to live by, precepts of the Church to uphold, the sacrament of reconconciliation to to tell one man “in persona Christi” our failures and shortcomings rather than a cynical TV journalist and angry audience hungry for celebrity carcass. You leave church knowing you are forgiven.

Not to mention an Order founded to protect outcasts and find unity and fraternity in one another. So true that one of our own, Alan Taylor, made his first, second, and third degrees in one week this month! Congratulations to him and to Gary Hubert, our district deputy, for transporting and preparing him. Thanks too to our financial secretary Robert Forrest (himself a 4th degree Knight now) for organizing our social and bringing one new Knight and three more candidates into the fold. Catholic men NEED the Knights of Columbus, especially in our parish and especially now when we can no longer depend on government (really could we ever?) to even acknowledge the Judeo-Christian values it was built on. But we need THEM too, for the strength and new ideas needed to express these truths.

Right is right, even if no one is right. Wrong is wrong, even if everyone is wrong. Pro-abortion filibusters in Texas, or Facebook picture profiles, wrongheaded Supreme Court rulings, or accusations of bigotry or corporate or personal ostracism now (or tacit agreement and racial jokes as late as 30 years ago) won’t change what is eternal, timeless, and right. Yet one thoughtful, heartfelt, intelligent apology to a forgiving God changes all that is wrong. If you disagree, imagine Paula Deen telling the Today show, “I was wrong and I made my peace with God over what I did.” Who could disagree? Who’d care if they did? He (and she) who comes to Him shall not hunger.

Oh yeah, and I became Grand Knight and can’t bug Steve for a report anymore (except about the Scouts). Come Tuesday, July 2 (one-time only change of date) to our first meeting of the New Year. We have a year to plan and a golf tournament we have to get right. Thank you for believing in and electing me, please keep me in your prayers.